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Merry Christmas
two cents
mandolin
My Christ was born today. Technically tomorrow. I celebrated His birth and His purpose. God has allowed me to recognize how precious His life was. During prayer a few days ago, I was considering God as a father of Jesus. Watching His baby boy grow. Considering the anxieties of an earthly father and all that plagues, especially in those times, a baby. Illnesses that ran rampant during those days and without the medical care of today. God made me realize, He, as Jesus's father, is the same Father He is to me. He is in control. Jesus's life ended on the cross and was resurrected to be again with God. He knew Jesus's purpose from the beginning. He knows my purpose. Of course, Jesus is the our earthly example of perseverance. Of remaining constantly in God's will. I am putting this very simply, I recognize that. Obviously Jesus and I are very different but Jesus as the man on earth and I as a woman on earth share the same purpose. To glorify God. To remain in Him. To lead others to salvation.

I've been asking God about my boyfriend. Asking Him to reveal if this man, who I love so much, is the man who He wants to be my husband. I have endured much anxiety over this question but I knew God would fulfill His purpose. I knew, even in these moments of pleading, it would be done without such emotions. Tonight, He showed me. Tonight, this relationship made me feel worthless and made me realize me worth all at the same time. I will remain in love with this man for a long time. As God told me the other day, I need to let Him work in His heart.

I am currently not honoring this love with has so captivated my soul. I am drinking and smoking. I am taking earthly measures to numb this disappointment.

I have so much hope for Hervey but I cannot make him love me and due to the pain I have inflicted upon him, I have allowed him to hold that over me. In doing so, I sacrificed myself.

Yet again.

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