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Fear and waiting...
two cents
Trust in God. Trust in His perfect will.

I want to learn how to responsibly trust in God. I want God to know that I'm willing to take ownership for my mistakes and decisions. I want to be an active part in following Him because I am terrified to make mistakes. I'm great at suffering for mistakes I've made. Once the guilt or even the blame disappears then ownership seems to disappear. At least, this is the case with Hervey.

I'm terrified that I'm stuck in a pattern. A pattern where I inflict pain upon a loved one, I pine for their forgiveness and once there is a glimmer of it, I demand for everything to return to normal. Maybe, it is the healing process I am not compassionate of. Quite possibly due to my never giving myself any time to heal from past wounds. I am able to pick up and move on. I am able to see the lesson learned and value the lesson. Does being an eternal optimist prevent me from taking responsibility?

I have been so stupidly consumed by the thoughts of our relationship that I can barely focus on my Bible study. I thought today, during prayer maybe God needs me to learn true contentment and trust in Him before I will be blessed with a husband and children.

Part of me just wants to break up with Hervey until his personal issues are resolved. The other part of me recognizes how self centered that is. I just keep thinking hasn't this gone on long enough? Am I too in love with him to see the big picture?


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